Relationships that work and marriages that succeed have a pivotal insight in common and it is not what you expect. And no, it is not that they both learned “I statements”.

Blogging Consistently continues.

BLOG # 2 in one week since the ADHD BLOG last Wednesday.
Goal this week: 3 blog posts.
I had to get a blog in before ADHD Wednesdays tomorrow so here it is.

Relationships that work and marriages that succeed have a pivotal insight in common and it is not what you expect. And no, it is not that they both learned “I statements”.

This is a primary INSIGHT about effective relationships and loving marriages:

Some marital conflicts are NOT resolvable.

Yes you read that correctly,

NOT resolvable.

This is a concept from a book called 7 Principles for making Marriage work by John Gottman.
Amazingly this psychologist found that when they made 15 minute video tapes of couples who were asked to discuss contentious topics that he could with 91% accuracy whether the couple would divorce or not. So this guy has some insight about marriages.

So, what does his research say about what works in marriage?
Let’s do it like a geometry proof:
Marriages and relationships have conflict.
Some of those conflicts are not resolvable.
Then what to do?

Focus on what you appreciate about your spouse.

Gratitude. Yes that is it.

I know. I know. It sounds like a cop out. But try this and you will learn two things:

1. It is not easy to focus on gratitude toward your spouse when you have an irresolvable problem.
2. It works.

This is especially confusing when many people have notion that you MUST always be assertive and GET your needs met. Assertiveness is good and necessary. Getting your needs met is good too.
But some conflicts will not bend to your assertiveness.

For guys, what if she will NEVER like football?
For gals, what if he will NEVER be great at gift giving?

Well, if you are not married you can ask yourself this question:
What are my “deal breakers”?
Clarity about that is crucial.
If it is not a “deal breaker” then you ask yourself is it actually resolvable?
If the answer is an honest “no” then ask yourself can you live with it?
If yes then it is time to focus on what you appreciate about your partner.

When couples come to me for marital or pre-marital counseling I often ask a question which for me is a “deal breaker” meaning if they can’t answer yes to this then I can’t work with them.

This is the question:

Can you think of three things you appreciate about your spouse? Two? One?

If we get a big goose egg on this question it is a “deal breaker” for me. I can’t work with them.

Because here is the deal, think about this logically.
If at least some relationship conflicts are not resolvable, then your hope or dream, wish or desire to change your partner is a ‘failed project’.

If you cannot accept that the ‘project of changing him’ is what is failed and not him or her that has ‘failed’ then you are in trouble.

Often people want to go to counseling or marital therapy to vent and have an ‘objective professional’ make it clear to the spouse the error of his or her ways.

I always start with the premise that if you both don’t have some responsibility in the problems then you both will lack motivation to solve the problems. Are there exceptions, yes a few, but not many. The few are extreme and obvious and most rational people would agree upon those.

I am talking about the rest of the problems.

So, next time you go thinking “If only he would….” Or “If only she would….”

Maybe it is you who needs to ask:

“What do I really appreciate about her?”

“What do I really appreciate about him?”

If you have no answer to these questions then maybe it is you who needs to change.

Charles Shinaver, PhD
www.charlesshinaver.com

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